Dear Shahrukh Khan
Dear Shahrukh Khan,
You are the single greatest performer the universe has ever experienced. The formidable talent of your eyebrows alone transcends time and space. Your hesitant chuckle, ever-present in your films, echoes infinitely through the heart of every man, woman, and gyrating back-up dancer. I am reassuring you with these scientific facts because there seem to be people who do not wholeheartedly support all of your work. Believe me, it is painful to even mention such ignorance. Poverty, genocide, and contempt for Shahrukh Khan are ugly truths that have come to define our world. However, beyond this ugliness is a silver lining of offensively thick hair and passionate nostrils that people should be grateful for.
Every decision you have made in your illustrious career has been admirable. In the movie Duplicate when you played both a bumbling chef and a criminal mastermind who happened to look exactly alike, it showed us the beauty of serendipity. At the film’s climax when you start wrestling yourself, I saw it as a metaphor for how people will literally watch anything if Shahrukh Khan is in it. It was a noble feat, and I was inspired by how you simultaneously won and lost that battle. You showed us that if you want to achieve greatness, you simply have to believe in yourself, as long as yourself is Shahrukh Khan. I sincerely hope you do a sequel to this movie because we were all left wanting more. In Duplicate 2, I imagine that you will play every role, the way any competent actor should. Who wouldn’t want to see a group of Shahrukh Khans frolicking hand in hand through a rain-soaked meadow while an indifferent cow stands idly by? That sentence alone has already boosted India’s economy by 115%. Pesky elitists need to look past their expectations for “logic”, “subtlety”, and “movies that are actually good”, and move on to a world where everyone has a well-groomed mullet and sings like Akon.
Your detractors would say that you have chosen to play roles better fit for an actor half your age. They would say the girls who play your love interests are young enough to be your daughters. They say watching you with Priyanka Chopra is like watching a calculus teacher interact with a prom queen. Well so what if your scene partners are all impossibly attractive? What these self-righteous critics don’t seem to grasp is that your movies aren’t meant to be realistic. The movies you make are meant to transport people to a place where fantasies are real, specifically the fantasies of Shahrukh Khan. What you do is honorable work and you shouldn’t let anyone think otherwise.
Bollywood actors are allowed to do movies as long as they want to, far long after anyone wants to see them, and that is absolutely beautiful. You’ll be making movies even when you’re too old to realize you’re in them. We’re all waiting for that inevitable blockbuster where you do an item song with Deepika Padukone in a nursing home. As long as you have highlights in your hair, you can accomplish anything. Not only is that the moral of all your films, but also an objective truth which I have tattooed on my clavicle. Even after your death, I expect you to continue giving us the same over-the-top, seizure-inducing, emotionally catastrophic movies with posthumous swagger. I want to see you delivering a melodramatic monologue through a Ouija board one day because honestly, we deserve it. You are a timeless genius that every generation should have the privilege to know. “Age ain’t nothin’ but a number” – Math.
Some people criticize not just your movies, but also what you use your star power to promote. Most recently, people have denounced your endorsement of the skin-lightening cream Fair & Handsome. Don’t listen to the haters, Shahrukh. This tremendous product allows Indians to unlock their true potential. If there’s one thing we know about our people, it’s that we’re just so brown. Thank you for giving us an antidote to our most salient flaw. Where would we be without this amazing remedy? I would probably be making chai for Anil Kapoor at a brothel in Mumbai. It’s much more respectable to be light-skinned and making your own chai at a brothel. Thank you for making this possible and taking us out of the darkness. You have unveiled our humanity that people had a hunch was always there. Finally we can be the pale, timid, pigmentally ashamed heroes we were meant to be.
Shahrukh, you are an international superstar of the highest order. You play a ruthless gangster and a lovesick violinist with the same reckless charm. Whether you are a drunk millionaire or a shy engineer, your charisma is hypnotizing. We are forever captivated by your forlorn gazes and invasive neck-sniffing. What people say about you is completely unjustified. Some complain that you’re capable of so much more and that you dumb yourself down to broaden your appeal. Well those people just can’t appreciate the artistic merit of a man punching a stuffed toy tiger, exclaiming “naughty pussy” from the depths of his soul. When it comes down to it, you are essentially a poet, like Shakespeare. I am of course referring to Shakespeare the homeless man who lives behind the Starbucks on my street. Much like you, Shakespeare’s presence is reliable and he’s willing to do anything for money. People might say that makes you a sell-out, but I prefer the term “open-minded”. Regardless of these superficial labels, you are a living legend and a ubiquitous wonder. Keep up the phenomenal work and keep making us smile.